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BAD STREET BRAWLER

NES

1987 Mattel

 

 

 

 

I know the NES isn't a very powerful system by today's standards, or even by 1986 standards. But there are some games out there that take advantage of the limited hardware to produce something fun and unique. So really there's no reason for a game this bad to even exist.

This game sucks. I mean it. It's terrible not so much becasue the graphics suck or the control is wacky, it's terrible becasue it's a good idea thats been perverted and turned horribly wrong.

It's a beat'em up with a sense of humor. Okay, I could understand that. Not every game out there has to be nitty gritty with blood and guts flying all over the place. And this game is funny, if funny to you involves getting so fucking pissed off that you involuntarily scream random obsenities at an inatimate piece of hardware.

You are the Bad Street Brawler, or some dumbass in a pansy-ass spandex wrestler suit with a mullet. You go out to clean up the city of the extremely evil characters within, who are personified by old ladies, monkeys, and guys with mowhawks. Because in NES land the only thing you need to be evil is a mowhawk. Anyway your job is to walk right to left and beat the asses of these threats to society. To do this at the begining of each level you are given an assortment of punches, kicks, etc. But the problem is you're only allowed to use two of them at any given time. Why this unessecarry decision to limit your character's moves was made is beyond me. In other NES games like Double Dragon we had to use every possible combination of two buttons to bust out multiple moves, but here we only get a measley two. Plus you can jump all high in hte air, like up to the top of the screen, but you can't do any moves in the air, and the only reason you seem to be able to jump in the first place is to collect bonus items. What a load.

The game starts. You start to walk right to left. A guy with a mowhawk shows up. You punch him, thinking he's gonna get stunned or otherwise step backwards after getting clocked in the face. But instead he pauses for like 2 nanoseconds and proceeds to beat your ass like nothing happened. In real life if someone of moderate strength socks you clear in the face you'll at least blink a little bit, here they shrug it off instantly. So what ends up happening is you have to jam on the A button over and over again to kill him before you can hit you, which is fucking bullshit. After five seconds of this crap I figured out it's much more effcient to just jump over the bad guys and walk to the end. Then once in a while this little bastard with a hat comes out and proceeds to nail you with one of those old cartoon boxing glove-on-a-stick things which of course has to knock off a 3rd of your life bar. Fucking Bullshit.

Anyway you finally kill his ass and a knife flys out on little wings, which you have to jump up to collect. Why it couldn't just fall on the ground I don't know. But you don't even get to use any of the weapons you collect, you just throw them in a dumpster at the end of the level, which is the only way to get points and thus extra lives. So why the hell even get them if you can't even use them?

On top of all this you get a measly thirty seconds to complete each level. THAT'S IT. You can get more time by killing that little bastard in a hat, who appears on the screen for all of two seconds. Oh yeah, if for some reason a particular level chose not to grace you with a move that will hit enemies smaller than yourself (such as the little bastard in a hat) then you're shit out of luck, can't hit them, thus no time extension for you. How this obvious gameplay bug got missed can only be explained by pure laziness.

Sound: The same bleep-bleep music repeats over and over and over again. When you actually manage to hit a bad guy, it goes something like "Blglump!" although "Blglump" actually sounds cooler.

Fuck this game, it sucks. In order to redeem my manlihood I was forced to take it out fo the console and smash it with a hammer, screaming "Take that you little bastard in a hat!" Forced to. Had no choice. If we all work together we can destroy every copy and free the world from this garbage once and for all. Fuck Bad Street Brawler.

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