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GODZILLA: THE SERIES

Crave, Toho ltd 2000

Game Boy Color

 

 

You know I'm not a big fan of the piece of crap rip-off Devlin and Emmerich pooped into existence and dared to call Godzilla in 1997. You know I've dedicated my life to eradicating that travesty. However the short lived cartoon spin off that came a few years later actually wasn't half bad for a kids show. Yeas, it followed the usual formula giant monster shows tend to follow, that is a bunch of useless human characters get into trouble and said monster comes to the rescue ala duex ex machina at the end of every episode. But it least it tried to follow the Godzilla formula by having a wide assortment of interesting other monsters get their butts kicked. Unlike the movie I could tolerate watching it once in a while.

But seeing the track record of 8-bit Godzilla games I really wasn't expecting much. Which makes my disappointment at Godzilla: The Series even more disappointing. I knew it was going to suck going into it, but just how much this game sucks is really, really, really mind blowing. This is possibly the worst game I have ever played.

You (as Godzilla) are a very large sprite. They must have had a problem with how big Godzilla is because you only get to see half of him at any given time. Number one rule of any visual medium weather that be movies, comics, paintings, or video games is never have your main object of interest cut out of the frame (in this case the player character.) Kinda like when you take a picture of your naked girlfriend so you can blackmail her after you break up but accidentally cut her head off in the picture, making it utterly useless (or ten times better, depending.)

This in itself wouldn't be so bad if there was actually a decent game going on, which of course there isn't. Problem is all you do is walk left to right. This is one of those games where you can't stop moving, which automatically makes it suck. As you walk tanks and planes and shit come at you and you have to blow them up with your fire breath which you do by aiming Godzilla's head and pressing a button. That's about as involved as you need to get in this game because anyone with decent motor skills can pretty much nail every one of them. I got through the whole game in less than an hour without losing a quarter of my life bar. Half way through it I figured out you could do other moves like bite, claw swipe, and earthquake stomp, but the fire breath is more effective than all of the other moves put together, mainly because the same damn tanks and planes come at you in the same stupid patterns that even an eight year old could figure out in five seconds flat. If you die in this game you are retarted, end of story.

Even this wouldn't have been so bad if you got to fight some other monsters, which you do, two of them. You fight the Crackler from the TV show and a giant Bee thing. But these aren't "fights" as much as they are you repeatedly jamming on the A button to launch fireballs until the other monster eats it. The other monsters don't even close on you, bite you, body slam you, nothing that would make the game cool. They stay at the other end of the screen and shoot crap at you, which you can easily block with your shots, then they die. Pathetic.

There is one thing I did enjoy in this game, little teeny-tiny men come at you with bazookas and you get to fry them alive. That was kinda cool the first time it happened.

Just like it's movie source material this game is boring, repetitive, and sad. So much wasted potential. You would think a game with giant monsters would involve the monsters like, fighting each other and eating people, smashing buildings, destroying famous landmarks with whole families trapped inside, stomping on people like ants as they bite each other's limbs off, stuff like that. Leave it to Devlin and Emmerich to retard-up a perfectly good franchise. Yeah I know they didn't personally program this game, I'm blaming them anyway. Good job dumbasses.

Graphics: Godzilla is large, but the enemy sprites are very small and look like crap.

Sound: A very, very, very scratchy rendition of the Godzilla roar. I don't know who's idea it was to put digitized audio into Gameboy Color games, I wish they would stop.

Gameplay: Run, run far, far, far away, then kill yourself.


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